Birthday Reflections Part 2: Rollercoaster of Grief

Renowned psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote in her book On Death and Dying that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, after my marriage fell apart, grief for me did not actually come in stages and did not follow a linear pattern.

I’d best describe it as a rollercoaster ride where I had a blindfold on. I didn’t know how high the ride would take me; how deep the drop was; or how long it’d last. Some emotions lingered longer than others. And whenever I felt like I’ve already overcome them, they’d come back and haunt me again.

All I could really do while on this ride of grief was to hold onto the bar in front of me as tight as I could – as though my life depended on it because, in a way, it did. And this is the same advice I could share with anyone who’s grieving: while you know there’s something you can hold onto, hold on tight and don’t let go.

What do you hold onto?

What I believe to be most important is that you can never...ever allow the feeling of defeat to linger on. Admittedly, you never fully overcome grief. You move on, yes, but you don’t forget the pain. Sometimes just the thought of the pain can suck the life out of you. I myself on occasions still feel my emotions overcoming my personal will and spirit. But I face it, acknowledge it, and fight it all at the same time. Cry if I must, it is a good outlet anyway. Then I dust myself off and face the new day with my head held up high.

I’ve often been asked where I draw my energy and self-confidence from. And there’s a simple answer to it: I acknowledge and embrace my past. I know it sounds counterintuitive when the past is full of painful memories, but hear me out for a bit.

A friend of mine once taught me an exercise that might also prove helpful to you. He said when you lose confidence in yourself or feel defeated, start listing down on a piece of paper reasons why not to be. Write all your achievements and all the things you’re most proud of in your life. And keep adding to that list whenever self-confidence escapes you.

In my case, I feel very proud and blessed to manage a good career while being a full-time mother. I am most proud of my four kids and how they’ve grown up. We have a very tight relationship, and I cherish that wholeheartedly.

These accomplishments, or blessings, as I like to call them, build my energy and confidence. And when I have energy, it’s easy to get over any bad memories and find joy in the present.

You might be thinking that this is a lot easier said than done. Don’t worry, I totally feel you. I have those days too when the past seems inescapable. So, take it one day at a time. Your happiness is a process, and, believe me, it’s worth all the effort that you’re willing to put into it.

The same with happiness, marriage is also something that requires work every single day. I didn’t understand this before, but I do now. I realized that you can learn to love someone if you respect and trust them. So more than love, spouses need to have mutual respect and trust for each other. And respect and trust take time and effort.